Mom Shorts

06.04.10

It happened on a shopping trip a month ago. I was happily wandering through H&M on my lunch break when I first spotted them. Mom shorts. Baggy, pleated, high waisted mom shorts. My reaction was akin to that of my beloved Rose from LOST, upon discovering Juliet, Sawyer and Kate washed up on the shore by her newfound sanctuary….”OH, HELL NO!!!” This is a joke, right? I mean, come on, one couldn’t possibly construct a less flattering garment if you tried. I quickly dismissed them as one of those edgy, trendy-bordering-on-ridiculous items H&M often carries, and went on my way.

My brief, blissful obliviousness to the impeding mom shorts trend was abruptly cut short just a few hours later, as I strolled through Nordstrom. I blinked hard several times. Did I take a dip in the Hot Tub Time Machine last night and get transported back in time to the Pheasant Lane Mall circa 1990? ‘Cuz I’m pretty sure those are the same green matte silk shorts I wore while getting down to “The Humpty Dance” at my cousin’s graduation party in 1990 (Okay, fine. Mine were rayon, not silk, purchased with my Ormond employee discount. But I digress).

Shortly after that, I began seeing mom shorts splashed across the pages of my favorite magazines. "You CAN wear pleated shorts!" they exclaimed. Well, I'm here to tell you, "Um, NO, you CANNOT!" They will try to tell you that you make them more modern by pairing them with these sandals and that top and this scarf...and the answer is still "OH, HONEY, NO!" You could light your hair on fire while sporting those puppies and it STILL wouldn't distract from the fact that your butt looks saggier than a baby's diaper after 6 juice boxes and wider than the Grand Canyon. Sure, there are a select few fashionistas who could probably pull this off. In fact, I can think of two beautiful, young, skinny stylists right here at Stilista who could totally rock the mom-shorts look. Key words: YOUNG. SKINNY. STYLIST.

If you're the average woman, however, I'd steer clear of this look. You sure as hell won't see my curvy, 36 year old rear end shaking it in one of these. Unless, of course, you've hopped in the time machine as well. In that case, join me on the dance floor. We're about to do the Hammer Dance.

- Jessica

1 comment

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